Every parent out there will relate to this one, I hope ... how do you know when you are being supportive and encouraging your kids to do something because you know it's good for them even if they are not enjoying it all the time, versus when you are pushing because you want something that perhaps they don't really need quite as much as you would like to think?
The boys are pretty noncommital about their band participation. Noncommital is really a nice way of saying it, they complain constantly about practicing and going to rehearsals, and they don't even enjoy the concerts. They have been in band for 2 years, and really are doing quite well with their instruments (Ben plays trombone and Ty percussion) but they just don't enjoy it.
I want them to enjoy it.
I enjoyed band immensely when I was a kid.
I believe that learning a musical instrument is a gift you give for a lifetime. I believe that they will be happy as adults that they stuck with it and became proficient.
But maybe I'm believing what I want to be true as opposed to what is true for them.
How do you know? How do you decide? When is it OK for them to make their own decisions, even if it goes against the status quo? How do you deal with the "what ifs"? Help?
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6 comments:
Oh, I struggle with this one too. That's a hard one. I did enjoy my band experiences, but actually hated the instrument (clarinet) I played for seven years. It never occurred to me that I could switch, duh. I only stuck with it because I loved music and wanted to do something musical. I switched to bass clarinet my senior year and LOVED it. Do I ever have the desire to pick up a clarinet now? No. But I have started violin lessons (the instrument I always longed to play) and that musical education I had as a child is a big help to me now.
If the boys do not enjoy band that much maybe it's not for them. I have frequently told the girls that they could quit violin and cello because they will not practice without me reminding them and L sometimes goofs off in lessons. But they never want to quit.
ACK! Why can't they just want to please us?! Or a least love the things we love?!
I loved band and always wanted to learn to play the piano. I would so love to be able to take lessons. We have just said that music is a part of their lives until high school (at least Cameron since he's the only one right now). Switching around becomes difficult because it's costly and for those less-than-motivated gifted kids, the hopping (I think) provides that quick rush of something they do well quickly, but then when it gets more challenging...Cameron loves to be good, but would never practice without being forced. But if I told him he could quit, he'd be consumed by guilt. AND, he wouldn't replace it with something else. We have told him that if he wants to pursue piano again next year or guitar we'd be OK with it.
Noah isn't doing any music but I really want him to, both for the enrichment and for the commitment to practicing and the discipline of sticking with something. I realize that that attitude is not popular and that I run the risk of them not liking music or something, but I'm not a Nazi. When drums were going so terribly, we bailed. I would never put a violin (I don't think) into that kid's hands (although if I could afford it, maybe he and Ava would get something going). He gets these weird ideas, like last week--he says he wants to play french horn. Go figure. And not possible here. But we are hoping that piano will work out next year.
Calandria, you have kids that are pursuing so many interests in such a wide variety of areas, that if they were mine and they said, "no thanks" to music, I'd be totally ok. But mine--Cameron just isn't that way and there are fewer opportunities here. Noah's just a wild child about things, and so unpredictable. Music is one where things can be developed over time.
As a parent, I know that often my ideas are not considered "proper" (I certainly got that message in preschool parenting group). There are some areas where I think kids should be able to say "no thanks" but if there are things that are important to the parent, then so be it. Even then there are choices/compromises that can be made so neither side is forced or tortured. Besides, Karen, your kids would just be freaks if they didn't have at least one "my mom is sooooo mean" story to trade with their friends! :-)
OK, thanks so much. One of you says maybe quitting is OK, one of you says keep them at it.
You couldn't give me a unified, definitive answer here?
I mean, I am only seeking THE parenting rule for this situation. Is that so much to ask for?
From my point of view my kids don't have many interests, especially G. M doesn't either--he's only played soccer. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't make them do more things. G is such a homebody! Next year she goes to that charter school--you know the one. Right now she uses a cello from her school and plays the easy orchestra pieces that require little or no practice. But next year we'd have to buy her a cello and I'm wondering if it's worth it. If I'm going to buy a CELLO, I expect daily practice and I just don't know if I want to get into that with her.
I guess I'm not very helpful, Karen, because I can see the benefits both ways. Good luck :-).
Yeah but Calandria you're talking formal activities. What about G building her own bow and arrows? And L writing her stories? Those are the kinds of things that I think are so great. Mine wander around wanting to know just how many minutes of screen time they can cadge out of me.
Haha! Well, mine do the same about pestering for more screen time.
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